My Story

I wanted to talk today about disappointment and how my faith has not only helped me get through these times but how it has changed the power that I have given disappointment in my life.

There have been 2 pivotal times in my life where the sting of disappointment has brought me to me to my knees.

The first was shortly after the birth of our last child, Lincoln.  I began to experience feelings and symptoms that, quite frankly, freaked me out.  My hair began to fall out, extreme fatigue felt crippling, I lost weight at a crazy and unexplained pace (this might have been started out feeling like a bonus but then it began to frighten us).  Hands down the worst of all was panic.  Attacks of my heart beating out of my chest, feeling like I couldn’t breath, wanting to crawl out of my skin.  The feeling of going crazy.  It was terrifying and seemed to come from nowhere.  These feelings were very out of character for me.  I was typically a super relaxed and easy going individual.  Not much ruffled my feathers and truthfully, I had always been bewildered by those who seemed to struggle with being anxious, emotionally weak or worse, needed to be medicated.  Admittedly, I was very judgemental towards those “weaker” than me.

This panic that I was experiencing, though, took control. It changed what my life looked like in a very physical way.  My inability to cope or function in the everyday made me unable to care for my children. Heavily medicated, I was unable to drive, cook, or clean let alone be there for my kids on any emotional level.

DISAPPOINTMENT. In myself.  How could I fail at the most basic mothering skills?  My life had been good…no, it had been great by most standards…a family whom I loved, health, etc. I couldn’t blame it on a terrible childhood.  We tried desperately to pin point why this was happening. I had suffered a late stage miscarriage ( at 18 weeks and 6 days into the pregnancy) before I became pregnant with Lincoln. While it had obviously taken an emotional toll, we wondered if physically it had triggered something.

Again, disappointment. Disappointment that I needed medication to help me not lose all control. Disappointment that I found myself completely spaced out and numb to life around me.

It was an extremely dark time for me.  As months passed without feeling any better or gaining any understanding on why this was happening, the thought struck me that I didn’t want to live like this.  The fact that the word suicide ran through my mind was terrifying.  To feel without hope, so out of control and so despondent was a low I didn’t event know existed.

Many MANY hours were spent with counsellors, psychiatrists and doctors who worked to helped dig me out of that place and I can’t say how necessary that was.

It was a long process (and felt maybe even longer in the midst of it because I wanted to be fixed so badly…the blanket of depression was heavy. So heavy).  While the physical symptoms began to resolve, the emotional ones remained.  I couldn’t do much but I could cry out to God…in the solitude of my home.  On my knees, arms outreached, I cried for Him to help me.  I spent hours, reading and re-reading verses that my family had written out for me. Psalm 91:4 “He will cover you with His feathers and under His wings you will find refuge.  His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.”

There is the illustration of a pen light…such a small, seemingly insignificant amount of light comes from it.  But put it in a pitch black room and that light becomes all you can focus on.  That so perfectly describes God’s presence in those dark days.  Surrounded by darkness and yet focused on that pen light.  Counselling was instrumental in helping me through this time.  Learning to base my thoughts on truth…on God’s truth is something I still work on.

I don’t have any desire to re-visit those days and yet I slowly came to see it as a time of huge growth for me.  Never was my relationship with God less distracted than when I was so full of despair. Those years changed me… I’d like think that my impatience with those struggling emotionally was replaced with compassion and empathy. After all, that’s what I hoped others would extend to me.

Having help with my kids was humbling, but maybe allowed me to care less about looking like I had it all together. Because really, no one lives a perfect life…no matter what you see on instagram! Side note, am I ever glad instagram wasn’t around then.

This time also made me love my husband more.  As I saw him fill in the gaps in running our household and steadfastly staying at my side during this time, I couldn’t help but love and admire him on a deeper level.

My second bout of experiencing intense disappointment began in the fall of 2014.  I remember the day that I found a lump in my breast.  It felt different than anything I had felt before and in an instant, I was filled with fear.  The next couple of months were difficult ones as I waited..tests and a lot of waiting. Of course, everyone around me told me that they were sure it was nothing. But my gut said otherwise. Again I found myself crying out to God.  When I was finally diagnosed with breast cancer, even though I thought I had prepared myself to hear it, it hit hard.

The first feelings I had were eerily familiar.  They brought me back almost 10 years to when panic and anxiety first visited me.  It felt awful. This time I supposed I was disappointed in God.  I felt like I was a bit of a weak link in the emotional department …why cancer? To be honest, I felt like God was being a bit heavy handed.  I was disappointed that my children had to worry about their mom. And super disappointed that once again, my husband would have to  pick up the slack.

Again, I found myself sitting on my counsellors couch asking WHY?

Right away we began to work on resting on the truth. The truth of what my doctors told me…my cancer was aggressive but treatable…it had not spread to my lymph nodes….and the truth of God. As He had walked me through my anxiety He would do the same through this. A favourite verse was Deut 31:6 “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid for the Lord your God goes with you.  He will never leave you or forsake you.”

Peace didn’t come immediately.  But I did starting feeling moments of it.  I remember one of my days at the Cancer Agency…those days were always tough ones. When I was there it felt all too real. I would look around at the other people with their bald heads and colorless skin and feel so sorry for them and then realize that I was one of “them”!  On one of these days, I was laying on the table as the surgeon was preparing to do another biopsy on my tumor.  The tears were threatening and I was wrestling with some serious “fight of “flight” feelings. In an instant, I just felt this huge blanket of warmth come over me.  If I wouldn’t have known better, I would have thought that someone had physically come and wrapped me up.  It was calming and comforting and at that instant I felt peace. Gratitude and amazement that my fear was gone.  That was a moment that I camped on for months to come.  God had showed up in my moment of need.

Not all days from there on in were gold medal days, that’s for sure.  But I did come to a realization that my journey with anxiety had, in a way, prepared me for this challenge.  The tools that I had learned to help manage my anxiety may have needed to be pulled out and dusted off, but they still worked.  We focused on following the plan of treatment set out for me. Chemotherapy and a double mastectomy followed and it was just literally one day at a time…and gratefully, fear was often replaced with inexplicable peace.

Listening to worship music was one simple but so very powerful way of directing my focus back to God and His truths. I would listen to the words..sing, cry, sometimes both (which is really hard!!) often while I was driving and allow the truths to just sink in and bring me comfort.

I also learned that the people I surrounded myself with play a very important part in my mental state.  There were some negative people that I had to place distance between.  Being in the company of positive people had an effect on me and does to this day. I seek to spend time with people who build up and who are optimistic. Can I say that I have met some incredible people?? Deeper relationships have also been forged with friends and family. This is something I may never have experienced in other circumstances!

Thirdly I learned that God has big shoulders.  He is ok to hear me question Him. Like an earthly dad, He knows there are times that I’m not going to understand.  He understands even my anger.  It is in this relationship that He has been able to gently teach me…as a father does.